Reconciliation is a great idea until you have something you have to reconcile with someone. It is easier to forgive someone and move on with your life than it is to go about the hard work of reconciliation. The work of reconciliation is the gospel lived out for the world to see. When we cheapen the gospel to only what happens to an individual in their salvation and miss the broader work of joining God in what he is doing to redeem the world, we sell the gospel short as a type of fire insurance for people’s assurance. The gospel needs to be reclaimed within the mission of the church to be about the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor 5).
This week I want us to focus on the basic tools needed for the practice of reconciliation. Reconciliation is not always about establishing who is right and who is wrong but about moving together towards a unity and harmony that bridges divides. This begins in our closest relationships, extends into the church, and should be a ministry of the church in the wider world. When there are divides between people or people groups, the first step we must take is one of mutual submission. Mutual submission recognizes that the only way to bridge a divide is through letting go of your desire to be right and to seek the higher calling of being righteous. When we take time to submit to others, we create space for walls to come down and relationship to be fostered. The struggle with mutual submission is we often want to see the other person submit so we are assured that we won’t be taken advantage of in our submission. Who then has the responsibility to take the first step in mutual submission? I’ll turn to this question in a min.
The second tool needed is the practice of listening. As a society, we do not value listening. We offer classes on speaking to help people become better speakers. We have debate clubs to help people beat others in arguments. We go to seminars to develop better tools of engagement so that we can articulate our points better so we can be understood. What would it look like to have a listening club? You can find seminars on developing the skill of listening, but they aren’t often prioritized in our culture. Listening has its basis in compassion and love. To truly listen to someone is to do everything possible within yourself to hear and understand another person’s view or argument to the best of your ability even when it isn’t your lived experience. Listening is active and fosters questions for deeper understanding and clarity. The path toward reconciliation is one of creating space where people feel safe to talk and share without judgment. Who then is responsible for first taking the position of listening?
Who has the responsibility to take the first steps of mutual submission and listening? The person with the greatest amount of power should be the one to take the first step, not because they are in the wrong, but because they are the person with the most influence. It is hard to perceive whether we have more power over someone or not. There are a lot of variables that play into what power looks like, from economic influence to positions of leadership and even cultural influences of race and gender. Some of these influences are cause of a lot of debate but each of us are called to the higher level of humility in the way of Christ. Like Paul reminds the church in Philippi (Philippians 2:1-11), “in our attitudes toward one another, we should have the same mindset of that of Christ Jesus…” who set aside all his power to take the position of a servant and became obedient to death. He did this because he was secure in his identity and knew that God would make all things right. He didn’t need to “win” as we see “winning.” Instead, he was willing to lose for the sake of reconciliation. That is the Gospel lived out.
The best way to develop the muscles of listening is to practice it. Try one of these two practices:
Pick a diverse topic going on in our society. Find a news source that presents a different view than you usually hold (I recommend not going to the other extreme but finding something more central). Read the article with the intent of understanding their viewpoint to the best of your abilities. If you find yourself getting angry and arguing in your head, pray for peace in your heart and for ears to listen. A measure of maturity is to be able to entertain a differing view without fully accepting it. What do you find virtuous in the other view? Where do you see Christ working from their perspective?
Or, if you have a friend with a different view on an issue, ask them if you can take them to coffee to understand their view. Make it your goal to ask as many questions as you can to seek clarity and then be able to explain it back to them at the end.
It is best to start with topics that are less contentious to develop listening skills needed to seek reconciliation in more difficult disagreements.